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03 July 2007 @ 07:46 am
Birthdays in Space - A Jubilee Monologue  
Julie had her birthday just the other day. Mine's tomorrow. The big 20. I haven't really thought alot about it. Mostly you think about finding things to smile about, and finding things to do, and well - surviving. Getting supplies. Running around. Doing things that are helpful. Sure, sometimes I wondering what everyone's doing. The way I figure it, Remy's being Remy. Logan's being Logan. Scott is being Scott. And Jean? Well, she's being Jean. Doesn't 'xactly make me miss things or miss them any less. I just started working with them again, and then this happened. Disappeared straight out of the infirmary there. Am I worried about what they might think? If they think I flaked again? Nah. Chances are they either a.) didn't notice or b.) figured something was funky about it. I mean, I figure if Scott even wants to know I can just look at the man who flew in during the whole Chitarui thing and say, "Starjammer" and he'll know what's up. Kind of.

So I'm twenty. Some days I look at the mirror and I look like I'm all of thirteen or fifteen. Other days I look at the mirror and I actually feel like I look like my age. Go, go Asian Genetics. If I look this good when I'm forty? (If I live to be forty?) That would be awesome. I mean, you look at people like Carol, and it's really easy to think that you might not live to see forty, so you should live each day to its fullest. It's why I've tried not to be, you know, so mopey. I'm just quiet. It's hard to think in terms like you'd like, when a majority of the people are all, 'You killed people in order to survive! Augh! Go away!' What. Do they think I liked it? That I enjoyed it?

Helllloooooo. Do I look like I have mutant abilities that can restrain people? Can I fly to keep me out of harm's way? I've got acrobatic abilities but on a field of battle that's only going to do so much, especially when you're - oh - I don't know, in a freaking war zone! And martial arts? Trying to hit some of those armored goons would have been like saying, 'Please! Break all of my bones! I want you to! Honest!' My abilities have three settings. 'Pretty' 'Annoying' and 'Melt Your Face Off'. That last I always knew, but ..really discovered by accident. And that was something that made me freak out - at first. But, like Remy - and then even Emma said. It was an accident. I couldn't ..I couldn't let it weigh me down like that. And in this? I had to do what I had to do in order to not get cleaved in two. So. I can't let it weigh me down like that either. Logan wouldn't bat an eye. Neither would Jean nor would Remy. So I have to think of it in those terms right now.

We all keep ourselves entertained in various ways. I've got exercises I do. When we're not under the 'threat of detection' I've been trying different experiments with my abilities. You know, like trying to re-absorb the light energy I generate. Or by trying to shield myself with it. Doesn't ..usually work. It's something productive to do though, when we do have something called free time. Which isn't much. But you know what? I'd give just about anything for some paper and colors. Sketch. Design things. Maybe just work on pictures that tell our stories. All of our stories, from while we've been out here. That'd be ..I dunno, that'd be nice to be able to do I think.

Meanwhile? All there really is to do is hum, 'Happy Birthday' to myself. And focus on the reasonably good stuff. We're alive. That's what counts for right now.